STATUS BULLETIN
Since this being my personal website i will make this part of the site my personal status update/bulletin part.
09:48 - 06.02.2025
Just took a stroll around the town listening to my favorite music. Which is an activity that i never ever do basically. It felt good. Hella good.
These days i am realising that i am living with a complete timeline of my whole life in my head. Which was feeling like it's nice when i was younger but i feel like it is taking it's toll on me. A few days ago i was talking to my gf about stuff i think about and she told me that "Maybe you try to make it feel better by remembering the good old times all the time." Which made a lot of sense to me actually. It is a bit hard to explain but let me put it this way. I live a certain part of my life, a phase and in that part of my life it feels like everything that happens in that particular timezone i feel like those good stuff will never end. Which is stupid to think because everything ends at some point right? However i want it to never end so much that after it ends it basically lives rent free in my head since that time until i die and i just find myself yearning about those good old days. Those good old days keep accumulating on top of each other over time ending up being this huge tower of good old days. Which certainly is not a healthy way to live the life.
There is this other thing that i do a lot that is more about "regretting". Whenever i learn or get good at something new i instantly think "Man... If i knew this X years ago my life would be way different now...". For some reason whenever i acquire something good i immediately want it to be acquired years ago. Life just does not work that way but... I do this for some reason. I am trying to break free of it but it is a bit hard to do. One example i would give to this is that recently, like since the start of 2024 i started to actually enjoy drawing. I used to really really like animating but hating drawing. Which lead me to be a bit weak in my own profession. Now the moment i started having joy from drawing and starting to get good at it i immediately started saying "Gosh... Wish i liked it like this years ago... Everything would be different...". I really should stop doing this.
I lived a very good life. I just have too much good stuff to miss. For that reason it is hard for me to let these away so easily. But i will be trying. I will try my best to just look forward.
Thanks for reading. Have a good day.
07:55 - 21.01.2025
These days i was a bit irritated or agitated. I do not know the correct word but basically i get angry or emotional very quickly without much triggerring. I used to take these like a champion when i was working at a hotel reading about psychology, philosophy and writing down my thoughts. Eating and sleeping well, meditating and whatnot. It was all smooth sailing even in the darkest times of my own mind. I have stopped doing those. I stopped taking care of myself since some time now. It took it's effect on me really. I always knew how much it would effect my mental well being if i did not take care of myself both physically and mentally but sometimes you just do not know how it is until you live through it.
A lot of feelings just rush around my mind all the time. At this day and age i have the most resources and knowledge i have ever had in my life. However it is the time where all of them are near useless at this time. You know, everything in life comes as a package. Not as a single thing and you have to love it for what it is. You cannot just say "Oh if i knew what i know right now at the good old days i would be much better right now!" However all of those years you spent going through the problems, living through the time you did not know what you know right now you were actually learning what you know right now. It is just how it is. I want to work on drawing and animation like a crazy man! However i lack the time and leisure to do that. I have a lot of responsibilities right now and i am trying to get into the mobile game industry because they earn a lot of money. Animation studios just open and close everyday here, but mobile game studios are very stable. Even the ones that are quite bad. So i have to learn to work for them. For that i started learning Spine2D and Unity3D. Two programs that i had no idea about. Learning new programs always takes me a lot of time. For every failed attempt i have to for some reason learn a new program or a new way of making things to better make myself suitable for that particular available mobile game studio. Forcing me to spend more and more time on stuff that i do not know anything about.
These days it feels quite pointless you know. I never valued art more than say something like a bakery. Art is fun and can be important for mental well being. It can teach a lot of things to people. However at the end of the day art is art and most art do not provide anything good to most people anyway. This being my perspective on art makes it hard for me to take all these "art" game studios serious. Making animation for fun or trying to come up with a philosophical, psychological or teaching artwork is good and makes sense to work on it but working on these meaningless game animation stuff that will be used for basically "mind numbing digital drugs" is just not very motivating to work for.
On top of that i am also questioning my sociality too. Recently i realised that all the friends that i have do not really take me as their friends. This is not a personal thing but rather a social thing from a large standpoint. I spent all my life trying to form bonds and connections with people. Not only to me but also with other people too. I love communities and i loved being a part of a community back then. So i was always looking for the next community to be in but it just never happened. It never existed ever again. So i took it to myself and tried to creat one over and over and over again. Resulting in always me having connections to dozens of people and no one having any connections to each other. This is not a community. Also those connections that i have with people, they are one sided. When i do not connect to them they do not connect back. This was how it is since the high school. Once i stopped texting my high school friends they stopped texting to each other and also to me too. I am basically lonely. Because people are alone these days not because they are forced to but they rather prefer being lonely even though in the end they always say "oh why i don't have any friends?" it is always their own doing in their own loneliness. People don't want to talk to each other, to discuss nor to help each other. They are too scared and they are also lazy as fuck. They just cannot bring themselves to care for someone else for a second. Anyways. For these reasons i am lonely. I want and need people around me, there just isn't anyone. That's one of the things that make me sentimental and agitated.
For all these i also know that what i have to do is quite simple. So there is nothing to cry about.
19:15 - 30.08.2024
Just found out that coding is actually fun. Currently trying to learn c++ and dear imgui. I want to make my own image viewer program because all of them are kind of bad. I want to make something like xnview but a much better one. It will be fast, low on resources and it will work like a local pinterest. Because i have too much images in my computer to just browse through them. Gotta learn basic c++ first tho. :] Have a good day!
14:00 - 18.08.2024
I am actually quite good right now. There is still some soreness on my back but overall i am way better than how i was a few days ago. I just discovered Yacy and i am loving it. Wiby, yacy and marginalia.nu really helps me search for spessific anime production related queries. However i guess at this point further research on anime might need a higher japanese level. It seems that westerners are more interested in being a fan of anime industry rather than to be a part of it. Gotta learn japanese to research that.
16:23 - 15.08.2024
I hurt my back a few days ago and it hurts constantly right now. Had way worse aches than this before howeveer this is CONSTANT it is hard to bear. Maybe this is what it means to get older.